You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
