I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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