Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize