I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
where am i from again
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
