never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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