I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
