I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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