Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
