Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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