You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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