Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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