i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
