there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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