She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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