Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
