i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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