tonight lets celebrate not being married
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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