So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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