The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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