if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
