got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
