so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
