god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
