I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
