I never want to see another naked old woman again.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize