u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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