I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
