just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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