Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
