So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize