we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
