Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
