Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
