Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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