I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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