Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
