Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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