i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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