my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
