Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
