Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
