I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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