Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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