Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
