I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
