I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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