splinters make it hard to masturbate
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
