Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
