I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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