Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
