I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
