I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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