I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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