I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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