Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
