it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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