I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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