I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
