Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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