grandma shit on top of the toilet
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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