On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
