Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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