I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
