does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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