i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
3pm strippers are depressing
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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