If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
