awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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